These people have entirely too much time on their hands.
Hundreds of sheep flocked to a Brandon church yesterday to protest, uh, something. See, they’re not really sure what, if anything, might develop that could possibly offend them, but they are bound and determined to put a stop to whatever it is or soon may be and see to it that no one else will have to deal with this kind of obviously immoral and child damaging, uh, thing again. Ever!
Spurred on by Ronda Storms, the Morality Queen whose scabby, blood encrusted elbows are a real testimony to her true grit, the crowd bleated out moving personal tales of Hooterphobic paranoia.
Over 200 people showed up at Grace Bible Church in Brandon Tuesday in seeming solidarity against a bar that may, or may not, feature bikini-clad wait staff.
The meeting was organized by Terry Kemple and the Community Action Summit. Kemple is the former president of the Christian Coalition of Florida.
There have been widespread rumors that a “bikini bar” is set to open at the corner of State Road 60 and Mount Carmel Road in Valrico. The developer, Jamie Rand, has not confirmed or denied the stories about the nature of the business. The property owner, Susan Calkins, has said she could compare the proposed business to a Hooters, but could not comment on whether it would feature servers in bikinis.
The location is not zoned for adult uses, but county law allows for provocatively clothed servers, as long as the genitals are covered. The meeting proceeded like a church rally, opening with a lengthy prayer, and featuring three different preachers who railed against the possibility of a bikini bar in Brandon, and against the “concept” of adult entertainment in general.
Terry Kemple, the Community Action Summit, or ComAS, organizer, is known for his work with the Christian Coalition as well as STAND, a national abstinence only group. STAND’s web presence is strangely difficult to find, so here’s a link to another abstinence site that I’m sure is very similar to what STAND would develop were STAND to put up a web page.
Anyway, back to the bleating flock. The very possibility that a bar with employees who might be exposing skin above the elbows could someday open in an, uh, strip center on a divided highway seems to have incensed many impressionable twits.
Speaker after speaker declared such establishments a blight on their community and an open wound to their moral convictions.
“Don’t ask us to absorb a business that directly contrasts with our moral beliefs,” said Brett Blankenship, manager of the Wood You Furniture shop, located next to the bar.
“Sexually oriented businesses are not welcome in our community,” said Pamela Watkins, of Brandon Brook, describing herself as a property owner, mother, wife and community volunteer.
Nationally known adult entertainment lawyer Luke Lirot, who said he represents the managers of the new club, told The Tampa Tribune that a bikini bar is an option being considered for the bar, which is being renovated. He said he attended the meeting at Grace Bible Church on State Road 60 to protect his clients’ rights.
“My clients were afraid the tyranny of the majority might inspire the county to deprive my clients of their rights,” Lirot said. “We know what the code says and we intend to comply with it.” He declined to identify his clients.
Building owner Susan Calkins turned down an opportunity to speak during the meeting. Afterward she disputed statistics presented during the meeting as evidence that crime increases drastically when a sexually oriented business moves into an area.
“I’m not sure they can do anything about this business, since it already has a liquor license, but I’m not a big fan of this type of place, either,” Calkins said. “I’ve raised my children to be aware of things like this, so they won’t go out into the world unprepared.”
Commissioner Ronda Storms, one of several county officials present, urged the group to continue its fight.
“If you care about this issue, work on the issue and make it count,” she said.
Ronda then left for a rally at the public library, where she led her usual Tuesday evening Reader’s Helpers group in their weekly cut and cover underwear ad redaction campaign. Their worthy goal is the protection of virgin eyes from innocently lighting upon a drawing of an underwire bra whilst perusing the microfiche in a divine quest for signs of the coming apocalypse.