BlogWood 2.0 Return of teh Wood

All:

We received a real wakeup call when we tried to mess with the Christian holidays. Despite the fact that our new policies on holidays and absences mirrored those in many other districts, our righteous brothers rose up and demanded that we acknowledge no other deity but our own. Threatened with eternal damnation at the polls, we meekly complied, looking foolish as we fecklessly flip flopped.

We really need to avoid confrontations like that in the future, and I think I have the perfect strategy for dealing with some current and upcoming issues that might raise the ire of some of our constituents.

The contentious issues in question are the Gay Sex Clubs that have sprung up in many of our high schools, Intelligent Design v Evolution, and sex education.

Let's combine these three seemingly unrelated but equally controversial topics into one easy to manage policy: the Forced Abstinent Design (FAD!) Club.

Here's how it will work:

It's well documented that abstinent equals straight, so we simply cure our gay students by forcing them to be abstinent. No more need for a Gay Sex Club.

Now, many of you may be howling with derision right about now, for it is well established that gays, much like rabbits, have little more than sex on their minds at all times. We'll overcome this problem of enforcement by utilizing the Pink Triangle Male Chastity Belt. Designed for men and boys, this sturdy contraption blocks all rear entry access with its stylish and lightweight but incredibly strong aluminum alloy construction. For instructional and other purposes, school principals, parents, and members of the clergy will have keys.

As for the girls, common sense dictates that girls cannot by homos, since, obviously, they have no little soldiers to insert into unclean orifi.

We'll introduce our kids to the Abstinence Only lifestyle in the FAD! Club, reinforcing the Pink Triangle Male Chastity Belt with peer pressure and intrusive governmental spying to ensure that both straight and formerly gay kids toe the line. We make membership in the FAD! Club a requirement for graduation. Since Abstinence Only is being taught in the FAD! Club, there is no need for any actual sex education in the curriculum proper.

Finally, on non-Christian religious holidays, we'll sponsor Intelligent Design theme parties, encouraging all students to take part by dressing up as their favorite Biblical historical character, honoring God the unknown designer who put life on earth just 10,000 years ago.