BlogWood 2.0 Return of teh Wood

Brokeback Hunting

Certain people are raising questions regarding certain discrepancies in the Cheney hunting mishap story. These questions touch on the topics of sex, alcohol, hunting safety, and more.

I reflexively started a post with hard questions of my own regarding the general sanity and national identity of these haters of Dick, but, sadly, I now must confess that I, too, have come to question the nature of the hunting trip and the handling of the crisis.

It started with little more than a slight twinge as word spurted out that our Mr. Cheney had injured another man with a reckless ejaculation of shot. I didn't realize it at the time, but what was bothering me was the emasculation of Vice Presidential powers as the news was released by a woman.

Then, as time wore on with no word from Cheney, as rumors started to swirl regarding mistresses and drinking and other carryings on, loyal partisans such as myself were left with mouths agape as our number two raised a real stink by continuing to hide behind the skirt of the handsome rancher woman from Texas.

Like some kind of turncoat, I actually started to question the bona fides of the Veep. I did something I have often promised myself never to do: I turned off Fox news and examined the facts objectively. And I found myself asking more than a few bothersome questions.

Was Dick drinking more than the single beer that he admits?

Has Dick's gun always been so small and girly?

Was the performance of said gun affected by Dick's drinking?

Did Dick Cheney have a mistress in the hunting party?

Is it possible that homosexuality is genetic? (Note – this particular question has deep personal implications for myself. More on that later.)

There were more questions, but these are the only ones I feel like writing down.

Hmmmm... Lonely nights on the ranch lead to reckless experimentation, games of domination, cowboy boots, maybe even some spurs.

Later, a lover's spat, fueled by flowing liquor and countless doses of prescription meds, strengthens into a full fledged cat 5 disaster as the jealous one flies off into one of his well known tantrums. Except this time, instead of punching the wall or throwing some plates, he decides to really teach his bitch a lesson.

It all became crystal clear when Harry Whittington, much like a spouse who has endured decades of abuse at the hands of the man he loves, came out and apologized to Dick for having stupidly walked in front of his gun just as it was about to go off.

The contrition, along with a bunch of buckshot, was etched in his face but it had somehow become impossible for me to believe the 'clumsy spouse' talking points that my brethren in the conservative blogosphere were parroting. I knew the truth, and, for once, the cognitive dissonance was too overwhelming to ignore.

Thankfully, I've since had time to reflect. Oh, and I turned Fox back on.

Fact: If, indeed, the weekend went as the known facts would suggest, then Dick is obviously the dominant partner.

Fact: As the Dominant, or 'Top', Dick would play the role of the male. Dick was always the shooter, never the target. Therefore...

Fact: Dick, like Charlie Crist, is not a homosexual.

Phew. I'm glad we managed to put that controversy to bed.