Per his campaign website, his primary qualifications for the job include the stunning feat of once having managed a full blown baker’s dozen of helpers and the fact that some of his grandchildren are in school.  No mention of his own educational achievements or background, but he’s deeply religious, so Jesus will help him get up to speed.

Kemple is running on ideas that are both substantive and designed to inform voters of his oft repeated beliefs that the Christian creation myth should be taught in science classes and that abstinence only should be taught from 6th grade through college graduation comprised of meaningless drivel about accountability and cooperation and can be boiled down to the three simplistic phrases that anchor his “platform” while managing to say absolutely nothing:

That gruel is pretty thin.  Where are the rants against Darwin and calls for teachers to have the “academic freedom” to proselytize?  How about demands to build the public school calendar around Christian holidays?  And what about abstinence only?

Any bill that goes beyond abstinence-only is “antifamily and anti-God” because it will encourage sex outside marriage, said Terry Kemple, a Christian community activist in Brandon who once ran a sexual-abstinence ministry.

“You don’t give kids an option like that without expecting them to exercise the option,” said Kemple, who has also been active in opposing the state’s proposed new science standards because they embrace Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution. “There should be an unequivocal, zero-tolerance program. ‘You will not have sex.’ That’s it.”

Don’t the voters need to know about Terry Kemple’s stands on these divisive issues?

Apparently Mr. Kemple is running something of a Stealth campaign.  It’s a good strategy in this non-partisan election in which there wont even be a “D” or an “R” next to any candidate’s name on the ballot, since his name recognition in the religious right community is huge, and the lack of any fairly recent public activism on his part has allowed most other voters to gratefully forget all about Terry Kemple and the numerous odious stands he has taken in the past.

So come November, certain churchgoers with church approved voting lists in hand will be sure to check the box for Kemple, and a certain percentage of uninformed voters will check that box out of name recognition, and some will check it randomly, and when all the checks are added up, the 8th largest school district in the country might have Terry Kemple as one of its members.

Which makes his platform more of a campaign strategy:

“You can’t expect what you can’t inspect.”

Terry doesn’t want the voters to inspect his actual views…

“Concentrating on using the resources we have to their maximum is far more important than worrying about how to get more.”

The religious right community will provide the votes…

“Together we can make a difference.”

Jeebus for everyone!  Bwaaaaahahahahahahahaha!!!

Thankfully, someone has taken the time to put together a site that is infinitely more informative than Kemple’s own official campaign site.  It’s one stop shopping for all of Terry’s krazy krusades.

You can learn about Terry’s DisPepsi campaign.  You’ll reminisce about days gone by as you read about and fondly recall the billboards of yore featuring made up “quotes” from our founding fathers, and you will wonder how our kids have survived this long without Terry’s guidance as you learn about his heroic efforts to excise Darwin from our public schools.

Link to this site often, and send it to any of your friends who vote in Hillsborough County. If the electorate is informed, Terry Kemple can be sent back to Bell Shoals to drink Coke and our kids might just be allowed to learn.