December 22, 2004
A note to customer service reps
Especially those of you employed by TECO Peoples Gas, my local gas utility, and whose name is Brandi, and whose operator number is 3154.
I apologize. I was under the mistaken impression that your job was to field customer complaints, to be the human voice that I, a fellow human, could physically speak to while politely explaining the serious ass reamings that your faceless corporate employer had repeatedly performed upon my person.
Because of this mistaken impression, I thought that I could call you up and speak with you politely about the company’s shortfalls without you taking anything too personally. I even went so far as to assume that you would allow me to finish a complete sentence without interrupting me and becoming argumentative. Well, you know what happens when I assume!
It was silly of me to take offense when your suggested remedy for the incompetence of your own employees (oh, I’m sorry - there I go again, conflating you, an employee, and your employer. I keep thinking that just because you represent your company that I can use pronouns. You repeatedly corrected me earlier on the phone, so I should know much better by now.)
Uh, where were we... You The company suggested that I could solve my billing problem by reading my gas meter myself and reporting back to you the company every month. See, a meter reader employed by the company for which you work seems either unable or unwilling to do his or her job, despite the fact that there are absolutely no obstacles to my back yard and, funny thing, the exact same employee whose job it is to read my gas meter is successful every month in reading my electric meter, but claims that the gate is locked on the gas meter form.
So, I unfairly found it utterly ridiculous that you the company would suggest that I do your the company’s job without offering to pay me whatever rate is given to the incompetent and or lazy shit who can’t find my gas meter despite the fact that it is but a couple of feet away from my electric meter.
And I should not have verbalized this thought, since, obviously, although I seemed to be conversing directly with you, another human being, I was actually speaking with the company, and as soon as the company’s words escaped your the company’s mouth, you were the company was no longer responsible for them.
Thankfully, you were the company was quick to correct me, even going so far as to helpfully tell me that if I wanted my billing problem to be solved that this would be the best way, since that person who is also employed by the company which employs you and whose responsibilities include the monthly reading of my electric and gas meters probably wouldn’t be changing his or her habits any time soon. In fact, you the company mentioned that there was not much you the company could do beyond suggesting that I do readings myself.
So, I’m very sorry that my stupidity and assumptions caused you the company to start an argument with me and that I forced you the company to abruptly hang up on me despite your the company’s promises to transfer me to a representative with sufficient training to handle a person of my limited understanding.
And I apologize profusely for being a bad customer and calling in the first place when you the company repeatedly over billed me and then went so far as to charge me late fees for gas that I still have not used. And I’m extremely sorry that you the company had to leave me on hold for 25 minutes while you the company consulted with your the company supervisor. This must have seemed like a very long time to you the company.
But that’s all water under the company bridge now, so I hope that you the company will forgive my transgressions and continue to allow me to be a consumer of the overpriced energy products which the company generously provides.
